


Kill it with fire!

by a_anon_writer



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2013-01-16
Packaged: 2017-11-25 17:56:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/641474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_anon_writer/pseuds/a_anon_writer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The solution to all pest problems. Disillusioned with the effectiveness of the Ministry, Harry turns to the age-old muggle method to solve problems. Oneshot. Contains coarse language.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kill it with fire!

** Kill it with fire! **

This was the last straw. For 15 years, Volde- No. Riddle. I refuse to call him by that pretentious name he had given himself.

Voldemort.

Flight from death.

_Ooooooooh Scary!_

Pfft. Pretentious little prick. But he had gone too far. Resurrecting himself using MY blood. POTTER blood. He used the blood of MY ancestors in his dark and perverse ritual to make himself that disgusting half human/half snake body. His snake-like face was living proof of the saying ‘a face only a mother could love’. Of course, said mother would have to be a blind alcoholic who suffered from bouts of insanity. But you get the point.

Although, to be fair, it wasn’t just him. And it wasn’t just this one event that enraged me to the point where I wanted to utterly destroy every shed of this man from existence till nothing remained. Not even fucking bacteria.

No.

This had been a _looooong_ time coming. This was just the final nail in the mad man’s coffin. The final link in a chain of events that had led me to lose any faith I had in the Magical society’s ability to deal with a problem.

Let me recap. First year – as an 11 year old, I had to face down a possessed teacher and prevent him from obtaining immortality. Second year – as a 12 year old I had to slay a 60ft snake that can kill with just a glare. Gives a new meaning to _if looks could kill_ huh? Third year – I found out that a man has escaped from what is supposed to be an unescapable prison. THEN I found out that said man, who was actually my godfather, was innocent and spent the last 12 years in jail without trial! THEN I found out that a supposed ‘wizarding hero’ had spent 12 years hiding like a rat, literally, and was actually the one responsible for the crime my godfather was accused of. Not to mention that he was hiding a little under 5 feet from me the whole time.

 And then we come to last year. The year where I was unwillingly entered into a binding magical contract. The year where my name was dragged through mud in the papers. The year where I was kidnapped, via portkey, from what is _supposedly_ the safest location in Magical Europe. From under the nose of someone who is _supposedly_ the most powerful wizard in the world. The year where I saw a friend of mine killed before my very eyes. The year when the murderer of my parents, the one responsible for my miserable life, was brought back to life thank to MY blood and help from his pet rat. Of course if that wasn’t enough, it turns out that my own teacher, was a fucking death eater AND HE WAS ALLOWED TO USE UNFORGIVEABLES IN CLASS!

Then, after all that hardship and all that fighting to survive a _school_ , I am labelled a liar. Why you ask? Well its quite simple my friend. It is because the wizarding world consists of sheeple. Sheep people. Spineless cowards who will ignore anything if it disrupts their miserable, pathetic, 17th century lives and follow who ever barks the loudest. They are led, by the yellow bellied tub of lard knows as Cornelius Fudge. Even his name sounds like a failure. _Oh I fudged it up._ His parents must have been slightly prophetic. Not too much because then they would have choked him with his own umbilical cord to spare the world his existence.

If you had paid any attention to my rant then you would have figured out that I have absolutely no faith in the magical government to solve any problems. They didn’t help to defend the philosopher’s stone. They didn’t slay the basilisk. They couldn’t be bothered to investigate the murder of 12 muggles and blamed it on an innocent man. And finally they allowed a 14 year old minor to be put into a magically binding contract against his own will.

It was due to these reasons that I decided that it was time to, once again, take care of my own problems. But this time… This time I will make sure its permanent. This time I’ll do it the muggle way. This time I will destroy that snake-faced asshole once and for all.

Why you ask?

Simple.

It’s a Fuck You to the Ministry of magic who think muggles are filth and shouldn’t even be in the same country as themselves. It is a Fuck You to Albus Percieval Wulfric Brian Dumbledore and his fucking _second chances_. It is a Fuck You to all the corrupt magical law enforcement officers who make sure they don’t kill the death eaters so that they can bribed later by the same captured death eaters to set them free. And it is a GIANT FUCK YOU to all the bloody magical people who think magic is the be all and end all solution to all of life’s problems. The same people who think muggles still use muskets to shoot and a ‘fellyfone’ to talk to one another.

Fuck them all. I was doing this the muggle way. And what do muggles do when confronted with a half snake/half man hybrid?

They kill it.

They kill it with _fire_.

But first, I will need to find out where he is hiding his scaly ass. That is the reason I am currently heading, under disguise, towards Flourish & Blotts.

Stepping inside I immediately noticed a familiar brunette, Katie Bell. Looks like she was working here in the holidays for some extra cash. Giving her a quick look over, I once again cursed the horrible designer of the Hogwarts School uniform. In normal clothes (tight jeans), I couldn’t help but appreciate the amazingly succulent ass she had on top of those slim athletic legs. _Stop it._ I mentally slapped myself. Fire, Riddle, Spell. That was what I was here for. Pert asses can wait for later, _after_ I have killed snakey.

Walking towards her I cleared my throat to get her attention. She span around and greeted me with a brilliant smile on her face. I could get used to that smile… No! Concentrate! Curse you hormones. Wait for your turn.

“Hello, how can I help you?”

“Hi, I’m looking for ways to track down my relatives. I’m an orphan you see. I was just told that I might still have some living relatives and I would really like to meet them to find out about my parents.”

“Aww, that’s so sad.” She rested her hand on my forearm and looked at me with an expression so cute, that it would be considered illegal in 83 countries. Maybe I should look into this whole orphan angle to get chicks after I kill Riddle. I think I could work it. Oh well. Later. “Follow me. I think we have some blood based tracking magic here.”

She turned around and started leading me through the numerous book aisles. I followed her like a zombie, eyes fixated on her butt as it swayed from side to side like a hypnotic pendulum. Yep. Definitely needed to work that orphan angle once I get back to Hogwarts.

Katie turned around with a fairly thin book in her hands, “Here we are! This book tells you different ways of searching for people with the same blood. Also it contains some rituals that don’t require the use of a wand.”

“That sounds like just the thing I’m after. Thank you so much, how much is it?”

“It comes to 1 Galleon and 2 Sickles. Also I’ll throw in a Scrying pendant and a map of England with the magical areas outlined as well.”

Making a point of looking at her name badge I replied with a smile as I paid her, “Thank you Katie you have been a tremendous help. And thank you so much for the pendant and the map, I wouldn’t even have thought to look for them. You saved me a trip back.”

“Hey its no problem at all.” She suddenly reached across the counter and gave me a tight hug, “I hope you find your relatives. I’m sure they will tell you loads of stories about your parents.”

Such a touching, sweet moment. An act of kindness towards a complete ‘stranger’. And all I could think of, was her boobs pressing up against my chest. _Ohhh, sooo soft…_ Goddamn it puberty!

Letting go of the hug, I left the building and went back towards the Dursley’s house/prison. Entering the house I went to my room after scaring my ‘relatives’ with some wandless magic. I had gotten pretty good at summoning charms, I could now cast them without a wand.

Leafing through the book, I found the perfect ritual for myself. _Vocare Sanguinis,_ Call of Blood. I never got the reason that wizards were so hung up on Latin. This ritual was obviously a fairly modern one as the incantation was in English, but the name was still in Latin. Another one of those backwards traditions I guess. Going over it, it didn’t require much and looked for the strongest blood relative to the caster. In this case it would be Riddle since his blood is identical to mine, barring the snake splicing of course. Quickly unrolling the map on the floor I knelt by it. I bit my thumb and smeared some of my blood onto the Scrying Pendant’s crystal and held it by the string above the map. Clearing my mind I started the chant.

_‘Blood calls to blood and blood shall answer’_

I repeated it about five times before I felt the crystal move and stick to a point on the map. Glancing at the point I was fairly unsurprised by the location.

Wiltshire.

Malfoy Manor.

Two birds, one stone I guess. Thinking for a bit I decided to call on that crazy fan elf of mine.

“DOBBY”

-POP-

“Master Harry Potter calls for Dobby sir? How can Dobby help Master Harry Potter?”

“Just a couple of questions and a favour Dobby. Do you know how big Malfoy Manor is? Grounds and all?”

“Oooh Dobby knows! Dobby knows! Poncy Master Lucy kept gloating to his fat gorillas about how big it is every time they be visiting. Its 9,000 square feet, it is. 9,000!”

“I see, and do you have a map of this manor Dobby?”

“Yes Master Harry Potter sir! Dobby has map Poncy Master Lucy gave to Dobby when Dobby first started. I be getting it now!”

Dobby popped away for a second before coming back with a roll of parchment. Taking it from him, I turned to him with my last request.

“Finally, can you go to this place,” I pointed to a demolition office about 5km away on my map, “and get something for me? It comes in small packets with C4 written on them. They come in 1.25 pound packs and I need 800 of them.” 800 of them was way too much for 9000 square feet but hell, I’m only going to get 1 chance, may as well go for overkill. “Could you shrink them down and put them in a small box for me that I can carry in my pocket? Also I will need a feather weight charm on it. Oh and also get me a detonator. They look like yellow switches, usually kept near the C4 packets.”

“I can do that Master Harry Potter sir! I’ll be back soon!”

With that Dobby popped away and I went over the Malfoy Manor plans. It was surprisingly detailed and also contained hidden passages. I guess they wanted the house elves to know where EVERYTHING was. They probably relied on the loyalty binds to keep them from giving the information away. Meh, their loss.

Looking at the plan, I noticed that there was a small passageway that went under the dungeons and led to a farm called Cornbury Farm. Probably was used to flush the blood and bodies from the dungeons to the farm. Dead bodies. Good for the soil I hear. I decided I will need to plant the bomb there to make sure that the full building is demolished. Lucky for me that the tunnel came out quite far from the manor. It might also make a good place to watch the ‘fireworks’ from.

-POP-

Dobby popped back with a box the size of a deck of cards, a spool of wire and a detonator. God bless his little, bald, green head.

“Thank you Dobby, that will be all for today.”

“I is happy to help the great Master Harry Potter! Call Dobby when you need any help!”

With that he popped away leaving me to start working on my plan.

I waited till I was night time before putting on my disguise. I grabbed my Invisibility cloak, wand, C4 and the wire/detonator combo before leaving the house silently. I walked a fair distance from the house before summoning the Knight bus.

“Cornbury Farm, Wiltshire.”

“11 sickles mate, 13 for hot chocolate and 15 for hot water and a toothbrush in any colour.”

Ignoring him, I handed him 11 sickles and moved to one of the beds. With a bang the bus was off and within 10 minutes I found myself standing outside Cornbury Farm with Malfoy Manor in the distance. Judging from the lights, it seemed like a gathering was going on. This night just kept getting better and better.

Looking through the field I came across the tunnel which was mentioned in the plans. Only problem? There was a slab of stone blocking the way. Probably required a password.

“Open.”

Nothing.

“Pureblood.”

Nothing

“Malfoy.”

Nothing.

I stopped and thought about it for a while. If I was an inbred blond wizard and had to make a password for a secret tunnel that led straight to the bowels of my mansion, what would I choose? After another moments thought, I had decided.

“Password”

-TZZZZZZZZ THUNK-

“… Idiots.”

Entering the tunnel, I found that I just had to crouch a bit to make sure my head didn’t hit the ceiling. Of course, I hadn’t counted on the smell.

It seems I was right in thinking that this was used to flush the bodies of the prisoners since the place was positively rancid. Gagging slightly, I took my wand out and cast a bubble head charm on myself. I was close enough to the manor that my magic would be masked by the signatures present at the manor itself. Waiting for a minute, I looked out for owls anyway.

Nothing.

Damn paranoia. Although, it isn’t really paranoia if they really are out to get me. Judging by the way they cursed my existence in the papers, I wouldn’t be surprised if they sent monsters after me to force me to use spells and then make me stand trial for using said spells.

Stupid Fudge.

Crouching, I started making my run towards the manor and soon enough, I came to a set of grills on the roof. I had reached the dungeon. Getting the box of C4 from my pocket, I placed it into a small cranny in one of the central pillars which acted as foundation for the manor itself. I added the wire to the box and slowly unrolled it as I went back out of the tunnels. It took significantly longer as I had to unroll as I went and couldn’t run.

10 minutes later I was standing outside the tunnel entrance. I quickly attached the detonator to the wire and put it on a 5 minute charge. Placing the detonator inside the tunnel, I closed the entrance and rushed away from the tunnel. Running into the nearby forest, I used the trees to protect myself from prying eyes as I waited for the explosion. A few minutes later –

BOOOOOOOM!!!!

The manor disappeared in a cloud of flames.

The fact that I didn’t un-shrink the package must have caused the explosion to be much larger than what it would have been if the C4 wasn’t compressed as it was.

It was glorious.

If I was a poet I would talk about how I brought my wrath upon them with a blaze of fire and brimstone. But I’m not a poet. I just wanted an explosion.

I got my explosion.

Yes, it was overkill.

But it was _sooo_ worth it. It was the best type of therapy for my last 4 craptacular years.

Destructive therapy.

Chunks of stone were still raining down but I didn’t care. I had gotten my explosion and I was feeling a strange lightness in my forehead. It seemed like my connection to Riddle had now permanently disappeared in a storm of fire and brimstone.

Yea yea.

It’s a good expression, it needed to be used.

Looking back, I had earlier used the saying ‘final nail in the coffin’. Perhaps that wasn’t the best of expressions. After all, I doubt they will find enough of him left over to bury in a coffin. Oh well, not my problem anymore. Whistling, I walked away from the settling dust cloud with only one thought on my mind.

Katie Bell’s ass.

**AN:**

**So! This was my first oneshot. It was just an idea that I wanted to try out.**

**Please review to tell me how you think it went and what was good and what I can improve on.**

**Now its back to 2 Pronged Attack I guess.**

**By the way, I don’t know anything about demolition or explosives. Well except for the fact that they go BOOM. Basically what I’m saying is this. I made up the numbers as to how many pounds of C4 does how much damage etc…**

**And also, don’t try this at home.**

**Ciao.**


End file.
